Monday, June 06, 2005

The Man Hating, Nazi, Chinese Torture, Massage Therapist!!!!

It all started With the ninja attack in the pool... After Dog Shark (Alaska) finished eating the ninjas and saving the day, she was tired and wanted out of the pool... Me being the helpful guy I am, pick up Dog Shark to lift out of the pool... When out of nowhere I slip on a brown trout and we both fall under water... Trying to fight falling under water I pull a muscle in my upper back... Dog Shark saved me from drowning then I picked her up out of the pool to safety... Nevertheless, My upper back has been in tremendous pain since this happened...

So a friend of mine heard me complain about my back, and suggested I go see (my friends) massage therapist... I'm usually not into this type of thing, but my back was hurting bad so I figured what the hell... So My friend made an appointment for today for me...

I arrive at the massage office at 10 AM sharp.... The office is nice, kinda hippied out, with crazy soft music, a water fountain, and some funky herb smell that I can't explain... The girl seems nice enough at first... I then tell her what happened with my back and the whole ninja story, and she says cool I can fix it... Then she says "get naked and I'll be back"... Ok I'm sorry I'm not letting shmitty hang out where who knows what has been on that table... So I leave my boxers on...

She comes back in while saying, "naked yet?".. She notices I'm in my boxers and says "I can work around those it's ok"... LOL... I then lie face up on the table, and she starts yanking my neck like she is making beef jerky or something... She does this on both sides, then digs her nail into my neck while saying I'm not going to choke you... Holy shit this hurts!!! Then she says I'm going to give you armpit love, and she sticks her nail in my armpit and yanks my arm at the same time... This hurt soooooooo fucking much!!! She did it on both sides!!! Man by this time I wanted to knock her teeth out, too bad I don't hit girls... It gets worse, She then goes to my arms and jabs her nail in my forearm and, says "make a fist", I thought I was going to die... She then turns me over and puts me in a chicken wing (some kinda wrestling move) and digs her nails under my shoulder blade, while going in some type of circular motion... DAMN THIS HURTS!!! After she let loose a little I asked her If she liked giving men pain, and she said that's why she loves her job so much.... Then she starts on my legs, but before this she asks If I want to adjust my furniture... She goes on laughing about how some guys calls his penis a couch... This is when shmitty yells at me and says "move me damn it, before this Nazi psycho hurts me"... And here I was afraid of shmitty wanting to accidentally pop out all excited like, instead he was in retreat mode... LOL...

After beating the shit out of my legs, and tickling my ass... Yes she tickled my ass and when I said that tickled she jabbed her nail into my ass and said does it tickle now... Holy shit!!! I thought I was going to shit on her table!!! She laughs and said "don't worry I'm not going to stick my finger up your butt"... I was thinking good thing bc you might find some fudge... LOL... By this time I'm hoping its close to being done, but NO!!!! She then rolls me on my side and pushes her nails into my stomach then says feels good huh, I was like not really, while thinking about running... Then she pulls my knee to my chest while still jabbing my stomach and I let out a huge fart.... LOL... Dude she made me fart!!! I said sorry, then the aroma started filling the room... She turns me over and does the other side exactly the same... And what do you know? I let out another fart but louder and smellier.. LOL.. She then says I'm going to make you poop later, and I thought I was going to right there.... The smell was over powering that funky herb incents smell, and was pretty nasty... She then said ok your done and said to get dressed and meet her in the hall...

Dude I fell off the table!!!... After I got dressed and went out in the hall, she asked if I wanted to reschedule, I couldn't believe what I was hearing... She was basically saying I'd like to kick your ass again next week... I said no thanks... But worst of all, I PAID FOR THIS!!!! I gave her $40... Man was that the worst $40 I've ever spent... I still can't believe I paid a girl $40 to beat the living shit out of me!!! And come to find out she kicked my ass for an additional 30 min which made me late for a party at work...

When I get to work, first of all I was in more pain than before... This made me not to talkative... Some of my coworkers asked why I was late and I said traffic jam... Rach and Shannon I told I got a massage but didn't tell them I paid a girl to beat me up... I was in to much pain to go into details... Plus who wants to tell people they paid for an ass kicking? So here you go guys this is the real reason for being late... But one thing did brighten up my day... It was this brownie pudding thing in a box that Rachael made, and was awesome... For like 10 min I was on cloud 9, but then the pain came back and I was pissed again...

My friend who referred me asked me if I fell asleep... He said he falls asleep all the time during massages, and it's the best hour Knapp he gets.... I was like hell no I can't fall asleep while someone is constantly causing torture to me, and knocking me around while poking me... I'm kinda thinking he might be into that S&M shit... And a very sound sleeper too... Because he goes to her every week, so its like he goes in for his weekly beating...

If any of you that live in ALB, want to get some S&M torture for the low price of $40 let me know and I'll refer you...

Dude I still can't believe I paid a girl $40 to kick my ass and make me fart!!!!
CT
Posted by CT :: 8:34 PM :: 8 comments|

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